Why I Decided To Change My Name

Journey From Faheemah To Mi'ran

The great Haruki Murakami once said, "Such wounds to the heart will probably never heal. But we cannot simply sit and stare at our wounds forever".

The decision to change my name was not sudden. It was something I dreamt about since I was a little girl. It was something I always wanted to do but never knew I could or even if I was allowed or if my parents would allow me. I remember imagining having a different name, a stronger name, a more sound name. I wanted a name that could express the warrior in me, a name that would embody the fighter in me. A name that would allow me to express myself in this world without any effort. But somehow I always believed that I was wrong. That it was against the "rules", and so I remained "Faheemah, the dreamer".

There is nothing wrong with the name Faheemah. In fact it is a very beautiful name. I was raised to be proud of my name. To make sure it was always spelled correctly and corrected those who didn't. I was proud being called Faheemah, because it was my mothers gift to me and because it had a great meaning behind it. "To perceive" "Understand" "Smart" "Intelligent"

I always felt like I embodied the name Faheemah perfectly well. I wasn't afraid to learn, to venture, to keep a broad open mind. In fact it was the name Faheemah which carried me through life and it was Faheemah who brought me to this moment in time. And it was Faheemah who asked for a transformation.
All through the pain and fears and sorrow and grief, it was Faheemah who understood that she needed to have faith, to hold on. But at the same time Faheemah was drowning. You see, Faheemah wasn't raised to be a warrior. Faheemah was raised to live in fear, to be afraid, to not speak about what she is feeling, to not speak about what goes on behind closed doors. Faheemah was raised voiceless, without conviction, without any place to go to for comfort.
Faheemah stopped being Faheemah a long time ago. She broke down, lost faith, lost hope. And so she became an epitome of grief, trauma, fear, sorrow, and pain. She became the epitome of the tongues who carved her and of the hands that gave her pain. Even when happiness stood before her she continued to be sad. Faheemah was not happy. She viewed the world as if it was a fantasy, something she could only dream about, as something she couldn't touch. She would be envious of those who ventured beyond their limits and became something more. Faheemah wanted to live but she didn't know how. Faheemah needed help.

I spent a long time trying to bring Faheemah back. I spent a long time trying to heal the damaged parts in her. And I found that there were parts in her that were beyond repair and thus it needed to be replace. For a long time I would look in the mirror and I would feel like that the person staring back isn't me. There was no passion, no hope, no enthusiam, nothing but only anger.
Faheemah needed to be saved and I felt like if I didn't make a drastic change as soon as possible then Faheemah would be lost forever. She would have lost herself in an abyss unknown and would have been lost forever.

I needed to see the world with new eyes, with a new sense of passion and enthusiam, and new identity. I needed to change the way I viewed myself. Even though as Faheemah I had something in me that wanted to live and express myself, the world unfortunately didn't see me that way. Faheemah became a prisoner to those she gave her power to. And each time she tried to changed they harshly reminded her of who she was. She needed a new identity, one the world couldn't control. She needed courage and most importantly a voice.

Mi'ran was not a name that I considered at first. But while exploring different names she kept creeping in as if she wanted me to notice her. I did not choose Mi'ran but in fact it was Mi'ran who chose me. 

Upon considering the name Mi'ran I needed to know who she was or who is it that she was going to be. While researching the name I have come to find that Mi'ran is a very large vessel. Large enough to carry the world in her and not falter and that Mi'ran was going to play a very big role in the future of Faheemah.
Mi'ran is a gender neutral name, dual, universal, or so I have found from her different meanings. Of course I needed an Islamic name as I am muslim. And I have come to find that Mi'ran exists not only in Islam but in other cultures as well. And that is what makes it so universal, so extraordinary.

In kurdish and arabic Mi'ran means princely, a name well suited for a boy. And in persian it means, leader, ruler, king. In slavic also a masculine name, it means "peace" "world". And in Hebrew a gender neutral name also meaning peace. In pashto, masculine as well meaning "sun-like". In english, which is a derivative of Miranda which means "one who is worthy to be admired". In Chinese, a beautiful feminine name which means "beautiful orchid. And in Japanese with different masculine and feminine meanings, "future" "sound" "calm waters" "ocean" "storm".

Peace was not a word known to Faheemah. And at least now with Mi'ran conflict cannot reside in her heart. With a new name comes a new change and new battles to fight to bring about that change, and hopely with renewed strenght Mi'ran can finally have the confidence she needs going forward. 

CRY OUR BELOVED COUNTRY - SOUTH AFRICA

With all the recent spate of crimes and murders going on in South Africa, walking down the street you can feel the emotions that the world is feeling. The pain, the grief, the fear of who is going to be next. 

None of us wants to live in fear, no one chooses to allow fear into our homes and hearts. But with the lack of security and a non-present goverment it makes us want to take matters into our own hands. Where is our president while all this is happening? Where are our leaders who supposedly fought for the freedom of our country? Where are the comrades who fought for our rights to live fairly and equally as human beings? 

Law and order is non-existent. Security and tranquility is non-existent. Fairness and equality is non-existent. How much more of this do we have to go through to realize that a change is needed. A change in government and a change in leadership. While the whole world has been so focused on the state capture enquiries the rest of the world has been suffering with loss and grief. 

The thing about history is that those who never learn from it are doomed to repeat it. Those who fail to learn from the mistakes of their predecessors

are destined to repeat them.For the past 25 years all the country has been doing is talking and reminding people of the actions of the past without making any viable effort to change. Justifying every act of violence and racism as a stance against apartheid and oppression and most importantly the white man. Reasoning as to why the ANC as corrupt as it is needs to remain in charge of the country to only bring it further down then what it was before. Crime has increased, murders has increased, violence and abuse has increased. 

In the ancient China, the chinese believed and followed the Mandate of Heaven. The Mandate of Heaven being a divine law decreed unto a ruler or state, favouring said ruler or state to run the country and goverment. The ruler however as long as he is in reign lives and follows the decree of Heaven. He is just and fair to his people. 

If a ruler was overthrown, this was interpreted as an indication that the ruler was unworthy, and had lost the mandate.

It was also a common belief among citizens that natural disasters such as famine and flood were signs of heaven's displeasure with the ruler, so there would often be revolts following major disasters as citizens saw these as signs that the Mandate of Heaven had been withdrawn. He has fallen out of favour with God and thus needs to be replaced. 

Has our president fallen out of favour with God? Does our government need to be replaced? 

"A just king is the shadow of God on earth"

Throughout Chinese history , times of poverty and natural disasters were often taken as signs that heaven considered the incumbent ruler unjust and thus in need of replacement.

These times that our country is going through is an indication that a change of leadership is needed. And if we are ever going to be safe and free, we as the people need to take a stance because we have the power. 

Charlie Chaplin quotes in The Great Dictator "The way of life can be free and beautiful, but we have lost the way.

Greed has poisoned men’s souls, has barricaded the world with hate, has goose-stepped us into misery and

bloodshed. We have developed speed, but we have shut ourselves in.

Machinery that gives abundance has left us in want. Our knowledge has

made us cynical. Our cleverness, hard and unkind. We think too much

and feel too little. More than machinery we need humanity. More than cleverness we need kindness and gentleness. Without these qualities, life

will be violent and all will be lost."

And he also goes on to quote " In the seventeenth chapter of Saint Luke it is

written:

- "The kingdom of God is within man"

Not one man, nor a group of men, but in all men; in you, the people.

You the people have the power, the power to create machines, the power to create happiness. You the people have the power to make life free and beautiful, to make this life a

wonderful adventure. Then in the name of democracy let's use that power, let us all unite. Let us fight for a new world, a decent world that

will give men a chance to work, that will give you the future and old age and security. By the promise of these things, brutes have risen to power, but they lie. They do not fulfil their promise, they never will. Dictators free themselves but they enslave the people. Now let us fight to fulfil that promise. Let us fight to free the world, to do away with national barriers, do away with greed, with hate and intolerance. Let us fight for a world of reason, a world where science and progress will lead to all

men's happiness."

Last I would like to say " I AM MAD AS HELL AND I AM NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE. I AM A HUMAN BEING GOD DAMN IT, MY LIFE HAS VALUE".

WHAT IS MY FAITH?

Everyone has their own personal relationship with their creator, and no relationship can be defined through parables and experiences of another person. It is something we have to experience on our own and for ourselves.

Growing up we were taught a lot about shaytaans plan for man, but what about Allahs plan for man? What was Gods purpose for this divine creation? What was the reason for his gift of free will to us if we are continuosly being told that there is only one way of worshiping God.

The thing that scared me the most about Allah is that knowing he gave us free will we were not allowed to use it. We are not allowed to use it by threading beyond the boundaries of islam or the belief system that we were raised in. That belief made me feel more like a prisoner and less like a creation. Now I know Allah did not create us to be merely prisoners in this world and those beliefs that limits us or restrict us from exploring beyond our boundaries, those beliefs were not set by Allah but rather by men who set out to incite fear in our hearts so we don't tarnish or change or thread away from our religion. But is it worth it though? 

How many people has ran away or shut themselves off of anything that has to do with God or religion?

I know I have. I was one of those people. I  wanted life and to live but I was continuosly told that this world is not real and I was going to die. Now it may just seem like my perspective but regardless of how I viewed things there is still a terrifying way that God and religion is being presented to the people. A severe misconception that truly damages the belief and faith and imaan that the creation of God has in him. 

We as creation may have been created from a clot of flesh but were each designed differently. We think differently, feel differently, heal differently.  And some of us are not strong enough to defend our own beliefs. We are not strong emotionally, mentally, and physically. We beat our own ideologies into people and when they can't hold on to them we say they have weak imaan. 

Allah wants us to know him. To bond with him, to trust him. He made us all into something. To experience ourselves and Him and this world so we can all grow and revere him the way he wants us to revere him.

This world is ever expanding. There are millions of galaxies that we don't even know of. So is it possible that there are millions of different ways that we can communicate and get close to him? 

With all this hoopla and taboos and misconception I sometimes wonder what does God want from me? Who does he expect me to be? Should I as a good muslim woman dress myself only hijaab, pray five times a day, search for a good pious husband. Or can I as a muslim woman express myself in a different way? Can I expose my hair and not be in hijaab and still be called a muslim. Can I choose not to seek for a good pious muslim guy to be my husband but rather live with the hope that my life partner will come directly from Allah even if he himself is not a muslim? Can I choose to look at life and not death? Can I live in this world and still be of this world? Can I openly seek love and to be loved? Can my faith consist of many different beliefs? Can I love and defend and see and accept the messages of other religions or should I reject them because they are of the disbelieving folk? 

What path would Allah have me walk?

There are people in this world that suffer greatly because they are confused or filled with immense fear of opening  up.

MENTAL ILLNESS & JINN/DEMON POSSESSION

The thing about mental illness is that it often goes unrecognized, ignored, or misdiagnosed in a lot of our cultural communities. A lot of times we as children and families, are led to believe that there is no such thing as mental illness only possession. Citing insanity as a white mans disease. That accusation leaves a lot of us hiding the pain that we keep inside because frankly no one will believe us or we don't want to face another mantra(exorcism) or prayer ritual where we are told that this curse is due to lack of faith in God. Which leaves us exposed and vulnerable to suicide, more depression, hopelessness, despondency, which leads to sickness and eventually death.
I have seen many times in my cultural community and have experienced first hand, that mental illness and depression is often viewed as taboo or just laziness or attention seeking.
And when something severe does happen we are taken to Imans(Priests) who claim we are being possessed by a jinn or our families have been cursed due to jealousy or Lord knows what else.
Which in actual reality doesn't help the situation because it only opens doors to anger and malice and separation among the people in our lives.

There are times when these rituals in exorcising the demons does help bring a much needed peace but it doesn't last. Two or three months down the line the cycle repeats itself. Then we are told again that "people don't want to see us happy? or these things happen because our imaan is weak. Leaving the family history of trauma, grief, sorrow and anger unexposed and readily available to be passed down on the next vulnerable person. We pray helplessly believing that the cause is merely a lack of faith or a trial of God testing our faith in him, not realizing that there is an actual problem deep within our psyche.
Sometimes trauma hides itself as delusions. Sometimes abuse disguises itself as discipline. Sometimes rape introduces itself as love. Sometimes a chemical imbalance or allergy disguises itself as depression, psychosis, schizophrenia.
I personally feel that a lot of these issues are left ignored by our religious communities, citing everything as the work of the devil or lack of faith in God. Which leaves many of us turning away from God thinking that he would rather have us pray and worship him night and day and not feel, think. talk, open and heal.

There are many different sides to cultural communities, but the majority of us are exposed to the side that tells you not to complain - be grateful - and pray, instead of asking us what is the real issue going on underneath and how can it be fixed.
For most of my life I felt like a shadow of myself, believing that there is no hope for me. Confused as to what could be the problem. Forgetting the nightmares and pain and trauma. Walking around believing that a jinn has claimed my being and if I don't pray religiously it will possess my body and mind and eventually soul.
Never have I heard someone say to me that there is a deep psychological issue that needs to be addressed. Instead all I got was, "iemand moet vir jou uitmantra (you need to be exorcised).

What I would like happen in our communities today is creating a safe space where we can go to, to openly talk about these issues. to teach our parents how to recognize the signs in their children. To teach our children how to speak up without feeling afraid of rejection, to teach our parents that discipline is love and not abuse of authority.
We need to teach each other to voice our opinions without fear of judgement. To call the problem out for what it really is and not mask it simply by citing spiritual affliction or lack of faith.

I'm not saying that jinn or demons don't exist. I don't deny their existence. I am arguing that compared to mental illness, delusions, depression, dissociation, it is far down the line and should only be a probability to explore when all else fails. The only demons to fear are not the ones we see in horror movies but in the minds of man passing down vital information that could either help us heal or control the way we think.
Instead of inciting fear into our hearts we need to talk more openly about God and his love and mercy, and leave his punishment and wrath to those who don't care about humanity at all.
Instead of fighting over who is right or who is wrong, let us try to help each other, understand each other, learn from each other, so we can all return to the greater whole.

Human beings make mistakes. Huge, unbelievable, horrifying mistakes. But underneath all that chaos and insecurity, hatred, malice are souls seeking to find peace and understanding,
The more we deny the pain that lies in the heart of man, the greater the illusion we live in. 

WHO AM I? WHO IS ALLAH? WHO IS GOD?

Growing up religion has always been a source of comfort for me. The belief in God and the surety that he will always be there for me.
I remember my ustaadh telling us wonderful stories and the smile he had on his face while speaking about Allah. It made me want to know who Allah is just so I can feel that way too.
I remember my tough childhood and all the sleepless nights. I remember my fear for falling asleep because of the nightmares I would have when I closed my eyes. I remember the bullying, the words that were so harsh that it pierced my soul.
I remember holding on to my tasbeeh reading every zikr I knew asking Allah for help or comfort or ease. I remember being only 12 years reaching out for my 99 names of Allah searching for a remedy for my melodies because the adults in my life were too busy being lost in their world of chaos to even notice that this fragile child needed help.

But then at the the age of 16 years all that changed. I lost my innocence, I lost my childhood, I lost my belief system, I lost my Imaan, I lost my identity, and i lost myself. leaving me with no one to talk to.
All my curiosity and willingness to learn vanished and never to return again. Being just a child and knowing you are broken, to be taken out of the only place you knew to be home and left with strangers who called themselves family was shattering to my soul. Being in a new place with no protection, exposed to new dangers, surrounding by new beliefs, new ideologies,  a new definition of life. It was not the same comforting, loving merciful support system but rather a cold, harsh and cruel way of living was submerged upon me. I was alone, God was not present, discipline was non existent, boundaries were broken. 
When the people whom you supposed to trust damages you instead of protecting when you were supposed to be young and ripe and growing suddenly changes your view on life. 
Happiness wasn't anywhere in the hearts of these people I'm supposed to look up to as elders. 
The idea of God changed. Every where I went, who ever I met spoke about a new God, a new Allah. They spoke about a God that matched their hearts. An angry God, A punishing God, a God to be feared. They spoke Allah who doesn't care about the good you do in this world, all that matters is that you pray 5 times a day without fail, wear your hijaab and read your quraan. Without those you will surely burn in hell. We would hear stories about 70000 angles whiping and slashing you and tearing through your soul as you die making death seem a punishment and life a reward.
Growing up in a diverse culture among muslims, christians, hindus etc, learning about different faiths, attending sundday school, visiting the temple to see how another faith prays, all that suddenly became so wrong and sinful.
The Allah I grew up knowing and loving suddenly vanished from my heart. i was now cradled with fear. I was told to fear, fear Allah, fear life, fear dying, or else you will be lost in the aakhirah. 
The Allah I knew was gone and now replaced with a new Allah. A punishing Allah, a God of wrath and cruelty. Everything I thought I knew about God and life became a lie. There was no heaven for me. There was no Allah for me.I stopped hoping, I stopped dreaming, I stopped living.
Giving I was already damaged from the trauma I experienced, now I was was facing a new trauma, a new experience that didn't seem good.
Everywhere I went, every talk on the radio, ever lecture I attended all talked about this punishing and cruel Allah.
My loving and kind and caring Allah wasn't there anymore. He wasn't there when I was being held down unable to breathe, fighting for my. He wasn't there when I was imprisoned in my home being used and abused. He wasn't there when I called. My heart broke and the love that once filled it disappeared. 
I feared this God. I didn't love him. I mean, how could I? How could I love a God that possibly didn't like me? 
There are saints and there are sinners and there are people like me who are in between. Where do we go? What happens to us?

My love for prayer starting seeping out of my heart. I stopped believing. I stopped praying, I stopped worshiping. The depression I was already in had gotten worse. I sank further in a world of darkness and chaos. I had nothing to live for and suicide was on the list. I was convinced that some horrible thing would happen to  me for my transgressions. I almost wished for it just to save God the trouble of punishing me himself. I became anxious and afraid. I was afraid to stand up for myself believing having sabr meant that i keep quiet and forgive in my heart. I was afraid to look for a better future believing I should be grateful I was alive and accept my condition for what it was. I was afraid to ask for help believing that if my situation was meant to change then Allah would change it himself. I though many times of running away from my faith(islam) and go out in search for a new God, a better God, a loving God so I could get my source of comfort back. But I couldn't, I was too afraid, but also deep in my heart I knew I had to stay.

I don't really make religion a topic but what angers me is that we are told that in our times of struggle it is God we should turn to but also at the same time we are told that God will only listen to us if....
We are told to tolerate freedom of religion but in gatherings and lectures and sermons we are told that anyone who doesn't follow our religion is a non believer and will burn in hell leaving me wondering and concerned for my next door neighbour who has profound faith in God that you can almost see Him work His way in her life.
the confusing part for me is if God created this world and everyone in it but only accepted and favoured a few then what happens to me? I felt rejected, I felt rejected by Allah. I felt less of a human. I stopped seeing the value in me because I was led to believe that I had no value. I felt so rejected that I ended up rejecting any and all other ideas of God. I didn't want him in my life. To me he was just he was just another hand holding me down, suffocating me.

There are so many times I felt like running away, but I had no where to run to. I was like running away from my responsibility as a muslim. When I was young it was something I was proud of. Now I'm ashamed to say I am a muslim. I am ashamed to acknowledge my faith because I stopped believing there could be a God for me. I am ashamed because I am divided. I'm ashamed because I see two Gods before me when there should be one.
I'm ashamed because I don't know which one to call. Do I call the God of fear and punishment or the God of love and mercy?

Who am I? I ask
Who is Allah? I ask
Who is God? I ask

One of the steps of recovery is having a belief in a higher power. A belief that God will see you through all your troubles. MY recovery became hindered because I stopped believing. 
The thing about mental illness is that when you are left with no one to talk to, you end up talking to yourself. You end up fabricating scenarios in your head. You end up turning away from life. You end up running away to die. 

If it weren't for writing I don't know where I would be today. Writing became my only outlet when I couldn't pray. I wanted Allah to hear me, to see me, to see my heart and still have mercy on me. When I write it is the only time I am truly honest about the dark shadows that hide in me. I write because I'm afraid if I don't then 70000 angels will tear through my soul when I die and that a dog will sit on my grave and all the other nonsense we are told to believe.
I write because I want people to know that regardless of what we are taught, we as human beings have very different ways of communicating with God. And we each ahve our very own personal relationship with him. A connection we should protect and not allow it to become tainted with other peoples stories, fears and illusions.

In my heart I don't believe that Allah is cruel. I don't believe that he wants us to fear him. I don't believe living in this world is all doom and gloom. I believe heaven is for all. I believe that as long as you do good in this world and towards other people not just for the sake of God but because it is the right thing to do then God is on our side. I believe if we pay our respects to God in whatever manner any of our religions requires us to then God will hear you.

I struggle everyday with myself. I have to remind myself everyday that I am worth fighting for, that I am my own reason to go on living. And today I realize that God knew what he was doing when he made me. When Allah gave me this burden to carry HE knew that I was able to carry it. He knew that I would become strong under the pressure. He knew that he was going to mold a diamond in me. And even though I still struggle with my belief in Him, I still love Him for what he is doing for me.

So don't succumb to defeat. Don't let go. Let us fight this battle together, let us fight for our position in this world. Let us fight for our right to live.

Only love can light our way.