Growing up religion has always been a source of comfort for me. The belief in God and the surety that he will always be there for me.
I remember my ustaadh telling us wonderful stories and the smile he had on his face while speaking about Allah. It made me want to know who Allah is just so I can feel that way too.
I remember my tough childhood and all the sleepless nights. I remember my fear for falling asleep because of the nightmares I would have when I closed my eyes. I remember the bullying, the words that were so harsh that it pierced my soul.
I remember holding on to my tasbeeh reading every zikr I knew asking Allah for help or comfort or ease. I remember being only 12 years reaching out for my 99 names of Allah searching for a remedy for my melodies because the adults in my life were too busy being lost in their world of chaos to even notice that this fragile child needed help.
But then at the the age of 16 years all that changed. I lost my innocence, I lost my childhood, I lost my belief system, I lost my Imaan, I lost my identity, and i lost myself. leaving me with no one to talk to.
All my curiosity and willingness to learn vanished and never to return again. Being just a child and knowing you are broken, to be taken out of the only place you knew to be home and left with strangers who called themselves family was shattering to my soul. Being in a new place with no protection, exposed to new dangers, surrounding by new beliefs, new ideologies, a new definition of life. It was not the same comforting, loving merciful support system but rather a cold, harsh and cruel way of living was submerged upon me. I was alone, God was not present, discipline was non existent, boundaries were broken.
When the people whom you supposed to trust damages you instead of protecting when you were supposed to be young and ripe and growing suddenly changes your view on life.
Happiness wasn't anywhere in the hearts of these people I'm supposed to look up to as elders.
The idea of God changed. Every where I went, who ever I met spoke about a new God, a new Allah. They spoke about a God that matched their hearts. An angry God, A punishing God, a God to be feared. They spoke Allah who doesn't care about the good you do in this world, all that matters is that you pray 5 times a day without fail, wear your hijaab and read your quraan. Without those you will surely burn in hell. We would hear stories about 70000 angles whiping and slashing you and tearing through your soul as you die making death seem a punishment and life a reward.
Growing up in a diverse culture among muslims, christians, hindus etc, learning about different faiths, attending sundday school, visiting the temple to see how another faith prays, all that suddenly became so wrong and sinful.
The Allah I grew up knowing and loving suddenly vanished from my heart. i was now cradled with fear. I was told to fear, fear Allah, fear life, fear dying, or else you will be lost in the aakhirah.
The Allah I knew was gone and now replaced with a new Allah. A punishing Allah, a God of wrath and cruelty. Everything I thought I knew about God and life became a lie. There was no heaven for me. There was no Allah for me.I stopped hoping, I stopped dreaming, I stopped living.
Giving I was already damaged from the trauma I experienced, now I was was facing a new trauma, a new experience that didn't seem good.
Everywhere I went, every talk on the radio, ever lecture I attended all talked about this punishing and cruel Allah.
My loving and kind and caring Allah wasn't there anymore. He wasn't there when I was being held down unable to breathe, fighting for my. He wasn't there when I was imprisoned in my home being used and abused. He wasn't there when I called. My heart broke and the love that once filled it disappeared.
I feared this God. I didn't love him. I mean, how could I? How could I love a God that possibly didn't like me?
There are saints and there are sinners and there are people like me who are in between. Where do we go? What happens to us?
My love for prayer starting seeping out of my heart. I stopped believing. I stopped praying, I stopped worshiping. The depression I was already in had gotten worse. I sank further in a world of darkness and chaos. I had nothing to live for and suicide was on the list. I was convinced that some horrible thing would happen to me for my transgressions. I almost wished for it just to save God the trouble of punishing me himself. I became anxious and afraid. I was afraid to stand up for myself believing having sabr meant that i keep quiet and forgive in my heart. I was afraid to look for a better future believing I should be grateful I was alive and accept my condition for what it was. I was afraid to ask for help believing that if my situation was meant to change then Allah would change it himself. I though many times of running away from my faith(islam) and go out in search for a new God, a better God, a loving God so I could get my source of comfort back. But I couldn't, I was too afraid, but also deep in my heart I knew I had to stay.
I don't really make religion a topic but what angers me is that we are told that in our times of struggle it is God we should turn to but also at the same time we are told that God will only listen to us if....
We are told to tolerate freedom of religion but in gatherings and lectures and sermons we are told that anyone who doesn't follow our religion is a non believer and will burn in hell leaving me wondering and concerned for my next door neighbour who has profound faith in God that you can almost see Him work His way in her life.
the confusing part for me is if God created this world and everyone in it but only accepted and favoured a few then what happens to me? I felt rejected, I felt rejected by Allah. I felt less of a human. I stopped seeing the value in me because I was led to believe that I had no value. I felt so rejected that I ended up rejecting any and all other ideas of God. I didn't want him in my life. To me he was just he was just another hand holding me down, suffocating me.
There are so many times I felt like running away, but I had no where to run to. I was like running away from my responsibility as a muslim. When I was young it was something I was proud of. Now I'm ashamed to say I am a muslim. I am ashamed to acknowledge my faith because I stopped believing there could be a God for me. I am ashamed because I am divided. I'm ashamed because I see two Gods before me when there should be one.
I'm ashamed because I don't know which one to call. Do I call the God of fear and punishment or the God of love and mercy?
Who am I? I ask
Who is Allah? I ask
Who is God? I ask
One of the steps of recovery is having a belief in a higher power. A belief that God will see you through all your troubles. MY recovery became hindered because I stopped believing.
The thing about mental illness is that when you are left with no one to talk to, you end up talking to yourself. You end up fabricating scenarios in your head. You end up turning away from life. You end up running away to die.
If it weren't for writing I don't know where I would be today. Writing became my only outlet when I couldn't pray. I wanted Allah to hear me, to see me, to see my heart and still have mercy on me. When I write it is the only time I am truly honest about the dark shadows that hide in me. I write because I'm afraid if I don't then 70000 angels will tear through my soul when I die and that a dog will sit on my grave and all the other nonsense we are told to believe.
I write because I want people to know that regardless of what we are taught, we as human beings have very different ways of communicating with God. And we each ahve our very own personal relationship with him. A connection we should protect and not allow it to become tainted with other peoples stories, fears and illusions.
In my heart I don't believe that Allah is cruel. I don't believe that he wants us to fear him. I don't believe living in this world is all doom and gloom. I believe heaven is for all. I believe that as long as you do good in this world and towards other people not just for the sake of God but because it is the right thing to do then God is on our side. I believe if we pay our respects to God in whatever manner any of our religions requires us to then God will hear you.
I struggle everyday with myself. I have to remind myself everyday that I am worth fighting for, that I am my own reason to go on living. And today I realize that God knew what he was doing when he made me. When Allah gave me this burden to carry HE knew that I was able to carry it. He knew that I would become strong under the pressure. He knew that he was going to mold a diamond in me. And even though I still struggle with my belief in Him, I still love Him for what he is doing for me.
So don't succumb to defeat. Don't let go. Let us fight this battle together, let us fight for our position in this world. Let us fight for our right to live.
Only love can light our way.
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